Shadow of my Mind
Another shade of me lies in a complete opposite place to the party loving, colourful one, I wrote of earlier. This aspect of me exists in silence and shadows. When I allow myself to separate from the world and think, he comes into being. Only in solitary can he take hold, only when sound dies does he dare show his face. This shade of me is the thinker. This is the aspect that I would rather suppress and hide. He questions life, he get’s upset and most importantly he is boring. He also never smiles. He is not a social creature.
This shade of me is what exists when the optimism runs out. He sits in the shadows and stares shyly out at the light. He has no confidence in himself. He is riddled with insecurities.
I need him, as some aspect of my time must be given over to self-evaluation. But I do not enjoy his seriousness. I dislike the fact that he wont smile. I hate that all he cares for is the shadows he has left himself sitting in.
Shades of Me
As you know, I spend a lot of time wondering who it is that I am. I think tonight however, something clicked. There are several shades to me. Different people and situations bring out different variations of the person that I am. These shades of me aren’t so alien as to be labeled schizophrenic but they are still distinct from one another.
Tonight the shade of my self that I explored was one of colour and music and life. I wish I had a photo to describe it, one that accurately showed the movement, the music, the friendship and the fun. That’s what going out in college does to me. That is the shade it empowers. One of colour.
Who am I?
I just finished re-reading the very first ten pages of my blog. I’m shocked by how dark they are, how unhappy with life I was. But more than that, it feels like I’m reading writings that belong to a different person. I’ve changed so much. The boy who started this blog was shy and depressed but ambitious, determined and intelligent.
The boy who controls it now is definitely neither shy nor depressed. But am I still ambitious, determined and intelligent? Can I change as drastically as I did in such a short amount of time and still retain a portion of who I was. Or have I truly reinvented myself? Is the old sparrow gone, replaced by something else. Or have I simply grown.
It is an odd revelation to realize how little I know about myself and who I am. Were someone to ask me to describe myself, I would struggle. No, more than that. I would fail. I have no idea who I am and clearly I’ve forgotten who I was. That past pain, I don’t remember it. Those bitter words, I can’t recall them.
How does one go about figuring out who they are? Shouldn’t I know myself better than anyone else? So why does it feel like Shane is someone I don’t know? What drives him? What makes him who he is? Why does he react how he does? These are questions I cannot answer because at the root of it all, they remain the same. Who am I?
Two wage war…
Air ripples through his feathers, he is free and proud. But wary for predators lurk below. His eyes like beads in a velvet head scan the horizon. But he can never see danger before it strikes. Air, his once ally now his enemy forces him to descend with forceful blasts of wind. So descend he does to a world that is not his own, to unfamiliar terrain. He stops beside a pond. There he meets the wolf, the other…
Teeth bared. He Snarls, a low throaty sound. Enemies back away or fall into line. Others are torn apart as meat rips from the bone. A tearing, snapping sound is associated with him. He is strong, but he is no fool. He must always move. He cannot survive if he is cornered. During one such transition he comes to a waterfront. He laps up beads of liquid from the still pond. There he meets the sparrow, the other…
They cannot coexist, they know this instinctively. Neither will flee, they have chosen this place as their own. But both beasts are not equal. The wolf is far stronger, he gulps the sparrow with ease, no need to bite such a small morsel. But the sparrow wiggles and struggles, choking the wolf. Corroding it from the inside.
When the dust clears, either may be left alive. Or as aquatic creatures watch they may have torn each other apart to give way to a third…
…Majestic …Powerful …Graceful
My mind is a den of shadows, but you can still find light inside. My heart is a shattered wreck, but that does not mean I cannot love just as fiercely. My persona has flaws, but they are just veils through which the light of who I am shines. This thought is resolved, I do not write it to reopen old wounds. This thought simply serves as a sentinal of history. It is a testement to what I was, to what I am. I am perfect through my flaws. I laugh, I jump, I dream, I bleed. I am only human. I am me!