I’ve finally turned 19. Looking back on the last year of my life, I think I can safely say, it was, one of the best years of my life. I’ve learned and experienced so much this year as well as making some incredible friends.
My eighteenth birthday really was the turning point of everything. I had been so depressed and so lost. All that had sustained me, was that once I got away, things would be better, but even that hope was diminishing. Yet, out of no where, I was thrown a massive surprise party with all my friends and family. I think that’s when I realized, that not everything about my home was bad, there were plenty of people there that loved me. That was when everything truly started to get better.
I rocked through my exams, all my study paying off. I spent my summer at the cinema watching movies, surfing at the beach, meeting with my friends, jogging with my dog, playing my xbox and climbing the trees in the forest. It was a good summer. Somehow through it all, I found the strength to come out to my parents as well. It seemed such an awful thing at the time, but I’m so glad now that I did it.
Then the vlogging began. I know a lot of people just think my videos are stupid and pointless. But they gave me confidence in myself. If you go back to my first video, I can barely talk, I’m shaking so much. Yet now, I have no problem with public speaking.
Next, was college. I was so terrified, so afraid that everyone would hate me. But they didn’t hate me, they loved me for anything that made me unique and everything that left me generic. I was valued as a person. I got to fully explore my sexuality. College was just such a great experience, but that’s a thought for another day.
So while not everything was sunshine and lollypops, I still think being 18 has been one of the greatest moments in my life. I only hope that 19 will be just as good. Looking at the messages coming across facebook and twitter now, I think it will be. The amount of them that mention glitter is bringing such a smile to my face.
Happy Birthday to me.
Growing Up and Growing Old
Both my parents need glasses now. I just came home from college one weekend and they were both suddenly sporting glasses. They are getting old. I often forget this because I’m so caught up in my own life and growing up. But while I’m busy growing up, they are growing old. It must be traumatic, to suddenly start to feel weaker. There is no way I could talk through something like this with them, but I guess I should just try to be more aware. I should be more sensitive to their feelings. Growing old must be one of the hardest things we have to do in life.
Sink or Swim
Sergeant Carlone surveyed the kids….the soldiers. It was difficult to think of them as that. Some of them were so little, how could he ever be tough on them. His face began to soften to mirror his train of thoughts, but then he stopped himself. He had his orders, he was to be ruthless towards them, they were to hate them. If he wasn’t tough on them now, without a doubt they would be dead when it came to the real deal. Train them to survive anything, that had been his final instruction.
Seven sleepy pairs of eyes stared at him, but he sat in silence, and they, had long since learned to only speak when spoken too. Finally when the morning sun had just begun to breach the horizon, Sergeant Carlone stood up and wordlessly strolled across the helicopter towards the door. Revealing incredible strength for someone so slight, he hefted the door open, allowing the seven sleepy pairs of eyes to take into account where they were. Outside as far as the eye could see was a seemingly endless expanse of water glowing orange in the dawn sun. If they were shocked or afraid, they didn’t show it. Good, the Sergeant thought to himself, at least they act like soldiers.
“ASSEMBLE!” The Sergeant said, gesturing towards the open door. He hated having to shout, but the rhythmic beating of the propellor outside made it a necessity. He allowed them to feel the wind whip at their backs before continuing, he thought he sensed a slight ebb in their resolve. They weren’t as mentally strong as they pretended.
“You’re task today is simple.” He said in a completely dead pan voice. “Their is sanctuary out in that ocean, of a sort. You must simply find it.”
“But, I can’t swim!” A blonde haired girl at the end chirped. The sergeant recognized her as Cecile, the girl who had been kidnapped from France. She was usually tough as nails in these exercises, it was ironic to see her now, so fragile. A very different girl to the one that had scaled a mountain.
“Well then I hope someone else in this group cares about you.” The Sergeant said. She was about to respond but before she could, The Sergeant raised his foot and brutally kicked her in the chest. The wind was knocked out of her lungs and tears of pain formed in her eyes as she stumbled backwards, then fell out of the helicopter to be claimed by the sea below. The others stared at him coldly, but made no move to stop him. They knew the punishment of such actions.
“You should move fast if you want to save her.” The Sergeant scoffed, he disliked being the bad guy, but it was necessary. Wordlessly, six teenagers, six soldiers, stepped free from the helicopter. The air tore at them as gravity claimed them and they plummeted to the sea below.
Once the sergeant saw the splashes that signified they had collided with the ocean he turned his attention to the pilot.
“Keep an eye on Cecile,” he said, “Make sure there is a team ready to get to her if they don’t”
"Would you say something first? Anything? I don’t want to be the one to always break the silence just because you’re either too cowardly or too content with leaving things as they are. Just tell me the truth."
One thing I hate about growing up, is the loss of innocence. There was a time when the world seemed so much simpler. We didn’t have worries or cares. We just lived for the moment. That’s something I miss sometimes. A time when emotion was a funny word, sex was unheard of, milkshakes were the best drink, your parents were the most amazing people you had ever known and sweets were the source of your high.
I think sometimes we grow up too fast. But innocence is lost rapidly and unfairly. Still sometimes I just wish we could remember how it used to feel, when life was simple.
Child at Heart
It is often said by our parents that life is so much easier when we are younger. I don’t necessarily believe that to be true. Life always seems to be hard. I just think that when we are younger, we are still able to find joy in life. For example, the other day, I played “Hide and Seek”, I’m 18. Most people would say I’m too old for things like that, but I had fun.
I hope I don’t grow up into the type of person who forgets to have fun. I don’t want to be bitter at the world. This world is the only one I’ve got and all in all, for me, it’s pretty good. It is said that ours is “a world so full of beauty that beauty goes overlooked”. I never want to forget the simple things that make life so much richer. I wish to remain a child at heart forever.
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My mum came into me today for a talk. Apparently her friend is very word about her daughter. This poor fifteen year old girl is completely isolated in secondary school. The funny thing is I know why my mum came to talk to me about this. She spoke to me because not so long ago I was in the exact same position. I was the kid who stayed home alone, who avoided people and who preferred silence to the trading of insults teenagers called banter.
My mum wanted advice on how to proceed. I said that they shouldn’t pressurize her to go out. I remember that’s what used to hurt the most, when family members would ask if I wanted to go out because I hadn’t in a while, indirectly implying that I had no friends.
I feel for this girl I really do, but I know her and I know she will be ok. She is so much stronger than I am, she will make it. If I can make it through the hell that is secondary school she most definitley can.
But if she needs help, I will be here for her.
So I’m just home from my celebratory night out. I didn’t drink much because I’m trying to teach myself to enjoy nights out without alcohol. I’d hate to become a person who can only have fun or enjoy himself with the aid of a substance or toxin. It was a fun night, I met up with everyone, heard all the results did lots of dancing and even danced on a sort of podium thing in front of everyone.
I got soaked when one girl head butted another girl and her drink flew out of her hand, onto yours truly. This may be sexist, (I’m not really good with sexism so if it is please tell me, I really don’t want to offend) but I think it’s horrible to see two girls fighting one another, especially over a guy. But hey I didn’t stare for too long, there was a male exotic dancer to keep my gaze. Well I actually watched him out of the corner of my eye, to avoid suspicion, but yeah, he was nice! They also had fire breathers, it was an awesome night in a pretty badass club.
I even got to meet up with two old friends of mine. They both used to train with me in my karate club, but they had both quit and lived too far away for a casual meeting. They were both there, it was great. The first thing both of them said was exactly the same;
Yes it is different now.
At the end of the night Adele’s song “Someone Like You” played. An odd choice indeed. My friends and I put our arms around one another and just sang along. But one line hit me;
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.
And looking around, I finally realised how bittersweet it really was. I hated school, but the people with there arms around me were my friends. Chances are I may lose contact with them, at the very least our relationship will be strained. I hated school because of so many horrible people, I’m so happy to finally be free of it and them. But it’s bittersweet, I’ll miss my friends.
But all in all, a pretty good night. I didn’t drink myself into a stupor and still managed to have fun, my liver must love me!
My teenage years are almost over
I’m not hugely sure why I’m posting this now. It’s probably a combination of impending results and a photo I saw on tumblr. I’ve got two years of being a teenager left. I think looking back I’ve had a unique experience. A roller coaster of emotions, memories and life. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bad experience, but it wasn’t what TV and my parents had led me to believe life as a teenager would be. It wasn’t horrible and plenty had it worse than me but it was still tough, a challenge. I couldn’t complain though, because my parents would just say, life gets harder or these are the best days of your life. My spirit was weathered and brought to breaking point over the last eight years, but it is true what they say. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I’m much stronger now.
So for all those out there that are struggling through your respective teenage years. All I can say is hold on. Soon you’ll find your voice, you’ll realise being happy with who you are is way more fun then being cool but more importantly you will be strong, happy and true to yourself. Life gets better!