Back Again
When someone hurts you again and again, consistently, you remove them from your life right? Yeah, of course. Well that’s what I did. I used to just argue with him so much. I used to make him cry, he’d make me cry too. There were good times as well, but I don’t remember them, all I remember is the pain this boy left in my life. I pined for him, for so long, and he chose another over me, so then I moved on. He came after me and I did not return his affections, which angered him, then broke him. From then on, it just became a cycle of who could hurt the other most, and then smile claiming to still be the best of friends. But what I remember most is that he was the first boy to break my naive heart.
Yet now you want back into my life. You apologize for your words that angered me so much I cut you right out of everything. You clawed your way back into contact. What’s the right thing to do? To forgive and forget? I just don’t know anymore, part of me wants to forgive you. But the other half is determined not to be weak ever again. You had massive power over me. I’m free of that now. Do I really want to even utter a single word to you again? You were my friend. The word friend doesn’t seem to suit. What were you to me? Rival?
You made me cry exactly fourteen months ago, and I will never forgive you for that. I will not change back to the weak dependent boy you could push around. I am not yours anymore!
Fire And Ice
Could I sell my soul to the devil, then walk away as my actions embed themselves in my mind? You and I, we’re like fire and ice. You burn me and I respond with a cold heart and a dead glare. We don’t work. In times of friendship we support each other. In times of lust, we tear each other apart and rip at the very soul.
You said it yourself, you’d kill me. Or I’d kill you. Or we’d destroy each other with bloodied kisses as bodies bled away to nothing. I’d rip your flesh, and smile as you bled. You’d break my bones and laugh as I struggled to move. I abandoned you in your time of need. You kicked me in the face when I had already fallen so far. Yet we’re friends. We’ve been everything to one another.
I’m so willing and able to be there for you, until you actually need me. I’m awful, I’m cold, I’m ice. You’re always there, to the point that is smothers me. You’re passionate, you’re raging, you are fire.
Yet knowing all this, could I do it? Could I sell my soul to the fallen angel that torments me, yet cares for me. Could I dance with the devil under the pale moonlight? You’ve given me a price, you’ve been eyeing up this prize for sometime. That much is clear. But could you claim it and walk away, could I walk away. Or would we both be destroyed. Or worse still, bound.
You don’t think I care for you, but I do. You think I’m fake, I’m not, it’s just this is all I am. I’m words, actions and consequence. I’m heartless, behind a smile and kind words. I tear boys apart. The sad thing is, I learned this all from you. I’m not enough for you, and I never will be. Nor do I want to be, not anymore. You say I’ve changed, and that it’s a bad change. But is it really, or can you just not push me around like you once did?
You’ve made me cry on so many occasions, how dare you make me feel something. You made me miss school because I couldn’t stop the tears. I don’t want to feel anything! Oblivion is better than pain! Oh but I got even though didn’t I. I broke you’re heart just as you broke mine. It wasn’t my intention, but it happened.
And now here we are. Fire and Ice, opposites, once more coming into contact. You want my soul. But can I give it to you and still be me, or will I melt away? You could end up burning out? Either way, we both wouldn’t be the same. One of us would change forever. One of us would let the other win.
Maybe I should keep my soul for another day…
Relationships Again
I spent the day with three couples today. They were so different to the couples I’m used to seeing. So much more mature and better suited to one another. As much as it pains me to say it, they may have made me realize that my views on relationships have not been entirely accurate. These people actually almost seemed to better one another and compliment each others personalities. The relationships I usually see are more like a competition with both members vying for power.
I may have to rethink my views on relationships. Oh and two of the couples were gay men and the third were lesbians. LGBT couples for the fucking win!
I don’t like the idea of a relationship, because it requires me to weaken myself in order to allow someone in, and it gives them too great an ability to hurt me.
Lust
I don’t really want a relationship if all it ends up in is lust and loathing, or if I lose myself to the other person. I may not like the occasional loneliness as my friends pair off, but I don’t want to end up being one of those people who cannot be single for a moment. Being by myself for so long has made me a stronger, well rounded person. I’m capable of being happy without someone else to hold me up. That’s a great thing. For the most part all I’ve experienced on the romance aspect of my life, is lust and little more. Sure that offered it’s thrills, but I think I’m a better person than that.
The idea of a relationship, of allowing someone else to make me dependent on them, terrifies me without a doubt. But that doesn’t mean I should waste away my youth lusting after people. I think I need to take a step back. Sex and relationships are such a small, unimportant aspect of this world. I really do need to stop worrying about them so much. I will cross both of those bridges when I come to them and it will be on my own terms.
I’m done with lust and loathing.
"Would you say something first? Anything? I don’t want to be the one to always break the silence just because you’re either too cowardly or too content with leaving things as they are. Just tell me the truth."
"I don’t need another friend when most of them I can barely keep up with. I’m perfectly able to hold my own hand, but I still can’t kiss my own neck."
27-7-11
Some of my friends invited themselves to my house today, and I must say, it has left me in a brilliant mood! Good moods are far too scarce on my blog so here’s a post dedicated to one:D
Only one of my friends that came over knows that I’m gay. It’s just so brilliant how that hasn’t changed anything between us!
Ah life is really good.
