Paradise

Coldplay’s song Paradise just came on. I used to hate that song, because it came out around christmas time when I was quite upset and feeling alone, so I associated it with that time and those feelings. But I don’t hate the song anymore, I think time has a great way of altering our perspectives. Looking back, what I was sad about, isn’t really that big a deal, and for the most part, all worked out ok. So now, I like the song. It’s laced in memories, which makes it important. Things are good now, I should smile.

Anger

Yeah I couldn’t really imagine you getting angry.

That was said to me today. It’s kind of nice really. I don’t strike people as someone who is easy to enrage. But then it got me thinking, when was the last time that I got really angry, it hasn’t happened often. Plenty of things have annoyed me from time to time but I never let them get the better of me, when something annoys me, I go silent and usually it stops. When I’m angry, I scream and rage at the world, I think that’s only really happened twice. Or at least I can only remember two instances right now.

The first came when my Dad pushed me ever so slightly too far. I was under intense pressure due to my exams last year and during one brief period of time where I wasn’t in school or studying, he called me “lazy”, and I just snapped. It retrospect, at that point in my life I was very tightly strung, so such a passing comment wouldn’t usually have enraged me so much. It was merely a case of poor timing for my father. I roared and screamed at him. He and my sister actually took a step away from me, the only time I’ve seen either of them back off, and then I stormed out of the room.

The other instance was after my granny’s memorial had been torn down. There was a lot going on in my life at the time. I just remember emotion overwhelming me. I screamed at the memory of her in the middle of nowhere. I was so angry at her for abandoning us. I was so angry at her for dyeing, how silly is that.

That’s it, the only instances I can bring to mind, where I have ever let anger take over. I know this could probably be seen as a sign of weakness, of impotency. But I refuse to see it this way, my ability to control and commandeer my emotions is a sign of my strength.

A Walk

I went for a walk today, down on south campus, just to clear my head. It’s really so lovely and scenic down there, between the old churches and the impeccable greenery. It reminded me of home, how I used to run through the forests, climb the trees, walk my dog or sit by the river. I miss that. One of the only things I miss from home. Living on campus has robbed me of that and my once feeble claim to fitness, I doubt I could climb any tree now. But those times spent exploring were indeed lonely ones. I’m better off now, having found people I can identify with. 

Lonliness was a burden I was far too familiar with.

A place in my memory…

A smell of salt in the air, intoxicating and exhausting. I remember the frayed edges of the waxy white board cutting into my skin. The salt water seeping into the cuts, making my hands sting like they were burning. But I didn’t care.

I glanced behind me, an endless expanse of grey sea that stretched out in all directions to become the atlantic ocean. In the distance a small mound of water moved across the sea. Others saw it too. We all tensed ourselves, bodies lay low, shoulders parallel to the board and feet over it’s edge allowing our toes to just breach the surface of the water.

Staring back at the wave, I know that this is my place, this is where I’m in my element. The wave continues on it’s lazy approach, seeming to be little more than a ripple. But then as if by magic it suddenly doubles in size, revealing its deception. A wall of water tearing towards us. Froth beginning to spill from the surface. My arms tear through the water, trying to build up speed. I have to catch it, my only thoughts are on catching it. The board starts to be raised up the wave. My arms ache from the strain. Then a rush, I’ve caught it! A spray of white foam and the wave breaks. I jump to my feet, adrenaline courses through my veins and I feel like a god as I ride this wave back into the shore.

Candles

At my graduation ceremony 5 candles were lit to represent 5 different things.

Friendship.

Wisdom.

Faith.

Memories.

Hope.

The candle of faith was the only one that refused to light.

I can’t stop thinking about that but I don’t know why?