I’m not good with compliments. Actually, that’s an understatement, I’m downright awful. To be honest, I’ve never been fully sure why, the only certainty I have, is that when it comes to compliments, I fail in every sense. I can’t receive compliments because my initial thought is that the person giving them is at best lying and at worst manipulating me, or trying to make me the butt of some joke. So I shrug the compliments off, I never return them and if someone is persistent or repetitive in their “praise”, I ask them to cease.
The reverse is also true. I am awful at giving compliments to others, to the point that, I rarely do, if at all. The words do not feel genuine when they come from my mouth, no matter how sincere the thought behind them may have been. Pleasantries and complimentary phrases, tumble from my throat, and feel hollow in the air, leaving an awkward tension in their wake.
Compliments are things I simply do not understand. Those I admire or enjoy know of my feelings regardless, or, at least I hope they do.
I am not defined by any one thing. I am an intersection of passion, love, loathing, ideas and colours. I’m utterly unique in the very ways that make me the same as everyone else. I cry, I laugh, I fear, I bleed. I am only human. I am perfect in my flaws.
I don’t really want a relationship if all it ends up in is lust and loathing, or if I lose myself to the other person. I may not like the occasional loneliness as my friends pair off, but I don’t want to end up being one of those people who cannot be single for a moment. Being by myself for so long has made me a stronger, well rounded person. I’m capable of being happy without someone else to hold me up. That’s a great thing. For the most part all I’ve experienced on the romance aspect of my life, is lust and little more. Sure that offered it’s thrills, but I think I’m a better person than that.
The idea of a relationship, of allowing someone else to make me dependent on them, terrifies me without a doubt. But that doesn’t mean I should waste away my youth lusting after people. I think I need to take a step back. Sex and relationships are such a small, unimportant aspect of this world. I really do need to stop worrying about them so much. I will cross both of those bridges when I come to them and it will be on my own terms.
I’m done with lust and loathing.
The hate comments I got on my videos last night are actually rather funny. Some people just can’t move on from school. So I blocked the poor eejit.
I know you arn’t meant to feed the troll, but I really really wanted to, so I posted him a comment before I blocked him. Oh and even though there are three names, they are all the same person.