I know I’m sick when I have nightmares, and last night was a doozy. I woke up shaking and terrified. I dreamt that I decided to drop out of college and had to go back to school and repeat the two years of my Leaving Cert. It was horrifying. I was all alone again struggling beneath a massive workload. That’s what the Leaving Cert does, that’s the pressure of it. It scars you so much psychologically that a year later nightmares of having to repeat it can still have you wake up in a cold sweat.
So I’m just home from my celebratory night out. I didn’t drink much because I’m trying to teach myself to enjoy nights out without alcohol. I’d hate to become a person who can only have fun or enjoy himself with the aid of a substance or toxin. It was a fun night, I met up with everyone, heard all the results did lots of dancing and even danced on a sort of podium thing in front of everyone.
I got soaked when one girl head butted another girl and her drink flew out of her hand, onto yours truly. This may be sexist, (I’m not really good with sexism so if it is please tell me, I really don’t want to offend) but I think it’s horrible to see two girls fighting one another, especially over a guy. But hey I didn’t stare for too long, there was a male exotic dancer to keep my gaze. Well I actually watched him out of the corner of my eye, to avoid suspicion, but yeah, he was nice! They also had fire breathers, it was an awesome night in a pretty badass club.
I even got to meet up with two old friends of mine. They both used to train with me in my karate club, but they had both quit and lived too far away for a casual meeting. They were both there, it was great. The first thing both of them said was exactly the same;
Yes it is different now.
At the end of the night Adele’s song “Someone Like You” played. An odd choice indeed. My friends and I put our arms around one another and just sang along. But one line hit me;
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.
And looking around, I finally realised how bittersweet it really was. I hated school, but the people with there arms around me were my friends. Chances are I may lose contact with them, at the very least our relationship will be strained. I hated school because of so many horrible people, I’m so happy to finally be free of it and them. But it’s bittersweet, I’ll miss my friends.
But all in all, a pretty good night. I didn’t drink myself into a stupor and still managed to have fun, my liver must love me!
I’m quite happy with my results.
Irish - B2
English - A2
Maths - C1
Geography - B3
French - D1
Chemistry - B3
Biology - B1
So that gives me a total of 475 points, I think I need 420. Would have been nice to hit the 500 mark, still I’m super happy with my A in English. Congrats to everyone else. Hopefully Maynooth takes me now :)
It’s four in the morning and I’m still awake. I can’t sleep, the life altering results are so close. I just, everything comes down to that one moment. I know the tests were finished months ago, but until now it had all been a very distant thought. That all changes oncethe envelope is opened, the grades are set in stone.
Everything led up to this moment, even this blog was created to help improve my english. I hope it was worth it, in five hours I’ll know for sure. I should sleep.
As many of you know, myself and many others are getting our (mega important) Leaving Cert exam results tomorrow, so in an effort to keep panic and stress to a minimum I decided to throw a poker night for me and some people in my maths class tonight. It should be lots of fun! Also it may pay for my drinks in the night outs to come.
But if any of you would like to wish me luck it would be much appreciated :D
I had maths paper 1 today. I think I should start with this.
Dear State Examinations Committee
What in the FUCK were you thinking with that paper? I’m not the only one who is upset or who struggled. Nationwide higher level maths teachers are raging at what is being described as the paper “that set maths back at least twenty years”. You cannot wonder why so few people do higher level maths when you give us papers like that. My own maths teacher said it was the hardest paper she has seen in the last decade and that “there will be war”. It doesn’t really matter how easy you make paper 2 because 50% of the marks may have already been lost. In short if I and others fail our leaving certs because of this and cannot get into university, you will never ever here the end of it!
So yes apparently it was the hardest maths test in the last decade and contained questions that are NOT EVEN ON OUR SYLLABUS! I know what your thinking, it’s only one test, in any other country that would be true. But in Ireland if you fail Maths you fail the whole exam!!! Apparently the department only did it in an effort to point out that a new system is needed. HOW DARE THEY! They may have cost me my place in university just to prove to a few high ups that the current system isn’t working! IT’S KIND OF HARD FOR US TO GET GOOD MARKS WHEN YOU ASK US THINGS THAT ARE NOT EVEN ON THE SYLLABUS!
Anyway… rant over.
I also met up with an old friend today. It was really nice to see her so I suppose that mellowed out the abomination that was maths. It was a strange experience, we haven’t seen each other in at least two years. But there wasn’t any awkwardness at all, we were joking straight away. Amazing how friendships never really die, but simply go dormant for a time.
Finally I also met a boy that was in Leaving Cert when I was in first year, six years ago. I recognised him straight away but it took him a few minutes to remember who I was.
Him: I know you, from somewhere.
Me: You do indeed, I’ll let you think about it for a second.
Him: Oh, you used to get the bus with me, Oh God! Don’t tell me you’re in Leaving Cert now!
Me: I’m afraid so. What are you up to these days?
Him: I’m just going into my last year of film school, I can’t believe it man you used to be so much smaller!
I wonder will I have an encounter like this six years from now?
Starting tomorrow I shall be doing exams until the 21st of June, so unfortunately my tumblr page is going to be a little dead except for the sprinklings of rage due to a difficult test etc. Anywho my point is I’ll make it up to you lovelies after the exams so please bear with me and don’t unfollow:D
Also if Emily Dickinson doesn’t come up I may cry:( So pray to your respective gods that she shows up please or, I don’t know, bribe someone and make sure she’s on the paper! :D
Whores and Hotdogs
I give up with studying, I’m going to be a sandwich maker or a prostitute.
Or maybe both, I entice clients in with sandwiches and then sleep with them…of course I’d probably get sued by the health inspector. But hey I’d be rolling in money…among other things.
Stil it’s better than trying to study all this shit!
What would it be called - “Whores and Hotdogs” “Sandwiches for sexy bitches”
“Rolls and Sex”
Ah the possibilities are endless, perhaps I’ll write this as a letter to the examiner, to scare them into giving me good grades. Surely they wouldn’t allow a member of the public to fall into prostitution. That would be unethical, yes I can see now this is my fool proof plan to get As all around. How would I write the letter though, it would have to be blunt so they would believe I would do it.
Dear Examiner Man\Lady
If you don’t give me grades I’m going to sell myself into prostitution, and it’ll all be your fault. Thats right it’ll be your fault my only talents are innuendo based!
P.S. I’ll also sell sandwiches on the side.
P.P.S. Have a nice day :)
That might work, It would be downright indecent of them to ignore such a threat. I’d definitely get extra marks in english for the use of the word innuendo, because as everyone knows its a tricky bitch to spell.
Well thus ends the rant, if its done anything, it’s proven that my brain really is fried from study and I do not like exams and that there is definitely a market for prostitutes serving sandwiches as well as sex!
Mharaigh mé mo leanbh de bhrí gur cailín í. Fásann gach cailín suas ina bean. Ach tá m’iníon saor. Tá sí saor. Ní bheidh sí ina hóinsín bhog ghéilliúil ag aon fhear!
I killed my baby because she was a girl. Every girl grows up to be a woman. But my daughter is free. She is free. She will not be a soft gullible fool for any man!
An Triál - Máire
This is a quote from the play we are learning in Irish class.
My mind is my sanctuary, my sanctuary is crumbling.
“Yes I am, so what’s the solution.”
“Time I’m afraid.”
Wasn’t intended to cause harm but has sent my mind on a roller coaster. This year has indeed been a horrible mix of stress and emotion. But those few words, I haven’t been able to remove them from my thoughts since I first read them and my stomach lurched. So, I decided to return to a home of my childhood, my grandmothers house where I essentially lived between the ages of 7 and 9 until my granny died of cancer.
I don’t like going back because while everything is the same in one sense, it’s also changed as well. It’s complicated but as I walk along the canal to the building itself, it’s like I’m a child again. One of the few instances in which i feel like a child, but just as distressing and unfortunately a sensation that is becoming frequent in recent days.
Everything at my granny’s house has been torn asunder and re-purposed. Her gardens are now car parks. The forest where I used to play with my cousins is uprooted. Her home is now an office. But most irritating of all is that her monument was torn from the ground and hurled into the earth behind her former house.
By this point I was feeling no better, and with no one to talk to I was resigned to return home. To the books, the boredom and lets face the loneliness. But then a voice in my head quite literally said “FUCK IT!” and I went for a jog instead. Tearing through the woods and just trying to lose all of this emotional baggage among the trees.
Of course I couldn’t. All the woods did was remind me how simple life used to be. When I could climb trees all day in complete solitude and feel absolutely nothing. Least of all lonely. But I pressed on with my jog because I really can’t care about school anymore, or perhaps just right now. It’s too much stress. These last exams are like leaping across a ravine. The fall wont kill me if I don’t reach the other side, but then I have to start climbing all over again, right from the beginning. Considering the first climb has quite literally pushed me to my extremes I can’t do it again. I never really let anyone know how far I’ve been pushed, how many times I wanted to let go and fall. How, I almost did fall.
So I pushed on with the jogging, and ran from more of my problems. My problems, they’re so minute in the grand scheme of things. I really shouldn’t dedicate a blog to them, but I do all the same, because hey lets face it I’m desperate for attention. He pointed that out, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget that. Why am I bringing that up now? I’ve no idea, but I guess my tendency to bottle things up forces me to deal with issues at later dates for no apparent reason.
Upon passing this tree I soon became oxygen deprived. Left gasping for air, hunched over, as my lungs burned. Thus my mind and thoughts returned and I quickly realized something. The solution to my unhappiness was not nearly as illusive as the solution to loneliness. But it was just as irritating. In essence the quest for my happiness is a paradox. In order to achieve happiness I must pass through a wave of nauseating unhappiness. I stuck my toe into that pool of sorrow, I don’t feel like trying to swim through it. Thus I’m stuck here in limbo, until stress forces me somewhere worse.
So that’s my refrain, I live in hell, because they pulled me out of heaven.
By the time I reached the top of the hill in the above picture, I was drained. Physically and emotionally. It did however dawn on me. No one cares. People were much happier when I bottled up my own problems. This is evident by the fact that precious few choose to talk to me now that I no longer deal with their problems but seek advice for my own. No contact from my “friends”, from my friends or from my family. I always have to make the first move. i sometimes wonder. If I made no contact would anyone search for me. Would a single soul send me a text. Does anyone but strangers care?
I could write for days on this but I’m home now and it’s time for dinner. No doubt I will return to this topic once more before long.