I snuck outside, to just stare at the stars. I walked barefoot across cold soil, and let my worries evaporate as trees enveloped me. The moon’s rays guided my pass, never wavering, never failing. Then I looked up to see the night sky embedded with stars like diamonds. Trees towered above me, and the sky was further still. A whole forest embraced me. Everything was so silent, yet completely alive. I could almost feel the heartbeat of the earth itself drumming beneath my soles.
This is what it is to be alive. This is what it is to free. Nothing can stop me, as long as I keep looking at those stars.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Wouldn’t life be simpler without a heart? No emotion, nothing, just wandering and free. No drumming of blood, no hammering of muscle. Just a hole, where a heart once stood guard. Just a void, waiting to be filled. Just a life, spent like a zombie. The simplicity of oblivion.
Fire And Ice
Could I sell my soul to the devil, then walk away as my actions embed themselves in my mind? You and I, we’re like fire and ice. You burn me and I respond with a cold heart and a dead glare. We don’t work. In times of friendship we support each other. In times of lust, we tear each other apart and rip at the very soul.
You said it yourself, you’d kill me. Or I’d kill you. Or we’d destroy each other with bloodied kisses as bodies bled away to nothing. I’d rip your flesh, and smile as you bled. You’d break my bones and laugh as I struggled to move. I abandoned you in your time of need. You kicked me in the face when I had already fallen so far. Yet we’re friends. We’ve been everything to one another.
I’m so willing and able to be there for you, until you actually need me. I’m awful, I’m cold, I’m ice. You’re always there, to the point that is smothers me. You’re passionate, you’re raging, you are fire.
Yet knowing all this, could I do it? Could I sell my soul to the fallen angel that torments me, yet cares for me. Could I dance with the devil under the pale moonlight? You’ve given me a price, you’ve been eyeing up this prize for sometime. That much is clear. But could you claim it and walk away, could I walk away. Or would we both be destroyed. Or worse still, bound.
You don’t think I care for you, but I do. You think I’m fake, I’m not, it’s just this is all I am. I’m words, actions and consequence. I’m heartless, behind a smile and kind words. I tear boys apart. The sad thing is, I learned this all from you. I’m not enough for you, and I never will be. Nor do I want to be, not anymore. You say I’ve changed, and that it’s a bad change. But is it really, or can you just not push me around like you once did?
You’ve made me cry on so many occasions, how dare you make me feel something. You made me miss school because I couldn’t stop the tears. I don’t want to feel anything! Oblivion is better than pain! Oh but I got even though didn’t I. I broke you’re heart just as you broke mine. It wasn’t my intention, but it happened.
And now here we are. Fire and Ice, opposites, once more coming into contact. You want my soul. But can I give it to you and still be me, or will I melt away? You could end up burning out? Either way, we both wouldn’t be the same. One of us would change forever. One of us would let the other win.
Maybe I should keep my soul for another day…
Can I Trust You?
What are you? Are you the lamb you claim to be, or are you a wolf in lamb’s clothing? Can I trust you? I think, I want to trust you. But there is so much at stake. I’m no angel, far from it, but I’ve laid down my arms. Can you say the same? What it all boils down to is a game of cat and mouse, but which role belongs to which of us? Am I the hunter? Or has over confidence lured me into a trap and made me the prey? I don’t know where I stand, there is so much unknown. How can I proceed from a position like this?
I cannot be cold and calculating forever. I cannot drive away friends forever. I cannot keep hurting people forever… or it’ll break me.
It seems like you’ve laid all your cards down on the table. It seems like you have nothing left to hide and surely I should not be afraid. But isn’t that what someone does when they know they’ve already won?
What is this?
A slow, rhythmic thudding, as a heart long thought deceased, restarts. Blood swirls in arcs of crimson and lungs gasp at life. Light returns to eyes once dead as the mind behind begins anew. From all around it senses whir into motion, sound, sight, touch, taste and smell, all have re-awoken with a fury, desperate to make up for time lost in a loveless slumber.
The heart beats, blood flows and past pains are washed from this body to make way for something new, something better.
Taste My Heart
I feel like I’m caught in the centre of a web of lies and concealed truths. I’m just an unwilling, paralyzed prey waiting to be consumed whole by the sometimes monsters, sometimes friends. The aspects of my life that weigh heavily on my mind at the moment are speckled with lies and mistruths. How can I make an informed decision when there are so many red herrings and misconceptions. How can I know what words to trust? How can I know, what words aren’t altered by the bitterness of a past sting?
It’s impossible to discern the truth and no amount of questioning will change this, because one thing all humans do, at some stage or another, is lie. I’m no different. We lie because it’s easier, we lie to protect ourselves or others, we lie to hurt just for the sadistic thrill of it and sometimes we lie simply because it is second nature. How can I compete with that? How can I wriggle free of the tendrils of such lies?
It seems to me I have three choices. Go straight to the source and cut it down, ripping the lies apart. Cut myself away from the web and ignore it’s presence forever more. Or grab hold of the tendrils, await the sometimes monster, sometimes friend, and see what sort of mood it’s in. See if it’s hungry. See if it will place it’s tongue across my chest and taste my beating heart.
Even when I lay out the options I think I know how I will proceed, because I’m a coward. One thing you are guaranteed with when it comes to cowards is predictability. So come on monsters, taste my heart.
Just a piece of fiction
“Elly, why am I here?” He asked.
She made no response, no movement whatsoever. He couldn’t quite make out where they were. Some apartment, long abandoned judging by the shattered remnants of once ornate pieces of furniture. Or perhaps this damage was her doing. The only light in the room was a lone lunar ray peeking in between ragged remains of purple drapes. It seemed to illuminate her face, no, more than that, it made her face sparkle. Why was her face sparkling? He tried to get out of his seat. The bindings on his wrists and ankles cut into his skin. He yelped in surprise more than pain. The yelp brought her back to reality.
“Why did you leave me?”
“Is that what this is about?” He asked calmly.
She took a step forward, “What else would it be fucking about?”
Had he been paying attention he would have realized why her face had appeared to sparkle moments before. Her features were drowned in her own tears. But he did not notice these things for he was now staring at her right hand, or more precisely the gun held within it.
She took another step forward and pressed the pistol right against his forehead. He gulped loudly. He could feel his clothes begin to soak with perspiration.
“Wh-wh-why did you…did you leave me?” She was crying now. Her words, a mess of fury and sorrow.
“I had to go, I loved you.”
She smacked him across the face with the gun.
“LIAR!” She shrieked, no tears now, just rage. “You were bored, wanted to find a floozy for some fun!”
“No, what, never. They had found me, I had to go.”
Silence descended in the room as she pondered his words. Finally she spoke, “Why didn’t you leave a note.”
“Yes a note, some fucking words! You know so I didn’t think you were dead!”
“I didn’t think…”
“No you didn’t.” She was crying again. ” I mourned for you, do you know that. I thought you were dead. That was… that was awful. But then to find you with her, that, that is not fair. Why a family with HER? I-I-I just I can’t, no I can’t.”
“Elly, I’m sorry”
Those words seemed to compose her thoughts slightly. She strolled towards him. Tears still streaming from her eyes. She held the gun to his head. “Not as sorry as you’re about to be”
She would have done it, she knew it and so did he, were it not for a knock on the door. The sound startled Elly, she half jumped half fell backwards.
“POLICE, OPEN UP!” Someone shouted from the door.
“Of course, she did this for you.” Elly muttered.
“What?” He asked.
“The bitch you chose, the one that loves you like I did. She’s worried for your safety, she must have sent for them.”
“SHUTUP!” She sighed as the banging grew louder. “I’m not going to kill you.”
The bound man almost smiled, but he quickly smothered such facial movements in case it would set her off.
“I’m not killing you because that’s too easy, it doesn’t punish you. But I can’t go on, not like this, not anymore.”
She brought the gun level with her own head.
“ELLY WAIT, STOP!”
She was crying now, sobbing between each and every word. “You used to love me… I’m…I’m sure of it. Whenever happiness creeps up on you, I want you to remember this, look at me, remember my face right now. And if you wonder what caused this, I…I want you to know that…that this was, all… your… fault!”
She pulled the trigger.
One day I’m going to walk off into the sunset. I’ll hold out my hand and feel the touch of another. The safety as my fingers are squeezed. My heart will beat faster, I won’t be alone and I’ll smile knowing that everything will be ok, from now on.