Don’t Say It!
Dad just gave me this silly talk which can basically be summed up as;
If you’re by yourself and some one asks you, you should never admit to being gay, or you might get attacked.
I get where he’s coming from, but it is such a backwards mentality. It makes it seem as though the victim of a homophobic assault is at fault. More than that, it further perpetuates the idea that being gay is something to be ashamed of and should be kept hidden. Oh Dad, you really have no idea how to talk to me at all, do you?
Mother asked me once more today if I believed in god. Well, actually prior to that she suggested I should become a priest again. I mean seriously, have we even met? I responded saying I’m an atheist. She was quite for a moment before saying “Science has done this to you”. I don’t even know what to do with that. I very rapidly said “No science didn’t do this to me, common sense did.” Oh man, she did not like that. So of course it caused a heated argument.
Tomorrow’s my sister’s 17th birthday. It’s kind of a tradition in our family that when you turn 17 you get a plant of some sort. One that will continue to grow stronger and bigger as you yourself grow. When I turned 17 I was given a beautiful Cherry Blossom Tree. It blooms every May for my birthday. When my sister turns 17 tomorrow she will be given a Holly Bush. It will be red with berries every year for her birthday. I really hope she likes it. It’s a shame that I’ll not be there to see her get it.
This is my favourite tradition in the family. If I ever have kids, I’m carrying it on.
Mum just held up a photo of ‘7 year old me’ up to my face and kept saying “What happened to him? What happened to him? You used to be blonde and blue-eyed, now you’re all dark.”
I don’t know what to do with this situation, except accept the fact that Christmas has driven my Mum mental.
"Is widowed another term for gay?"
There are a few that I am fiercely protective of. For most, the reasons are obvious. But for one, it makes no sense. Yet I know, were the flames to close in, I’d walk through the fire and suffer the burns, just to pull him away from the raging inferno. To a certain extent, I already have.
There are a few people that have secured my loyalty, but they had to work so hard to get it. Why does he get a free pass? Why have I burned myself just so he is kept safe? Why do I wish to protect him? When in reality, I should want the opposite.
There are a few that I am fiercely protective of. I wonder do they know it? Do they know that I admire and care for them so much, that all I want is them to be happy, and that I would do anything they asked, to help them achieve such a thing. I hope they do.
Dad dragged me to the bog today. Oh how I loathe the bog. My feet are now covered in blisters and cuts, my arms are numb and my back is aching.
I also got to endure Dad’s ‘teaching moments’ which ranged from, “you’re not doing it right,” to “you’ve a fierce dopey face on you.”
I then got to be insulted several times by Dad which culminated in him accusing me of being on drugs.
All this and yet still they wonder why I seek to spend my weekends away from home.
"Do not worry about that which you cannot change."
I think I should start this post by clarifying that I do in fact love my mother, but sometimes, her hypocrisy in regards to religious topics and her continuos failed attempts to bring me back to the “flock” really do irritate me something fierce.
I have a friend who is a Jehovah’s Witness. I have no interest in joining his faith and have made that clear with both him and my mother. Yet still, she feels he is the reason I’m an atheist. She doesn’t take my atheism seriously, she considers it a transition stage between faiths. Surely no decent person could live without a faith of some kind.
What really bothers me, is that she refers to him as indoctrinated yet claims her religion to be truth. This is just infuriating. You can’t claim your blind faith is any better than anyone else’s blind faith.
Mum: Has he tried to convert you?
Me: No more than you have.
Mum: And you’re not interested?
Me: I dismiss his beliefs as mush as I dismiss yours.
Mum: That is pretty dismissive of you.
Me: I like to treat everyone equally. I like to be fair.
Mum: I still think you like our faith best.
At this point I had had enough and I remembered once more, talking to the indoctrinated is at best like talking to a wall. At worst, the wall becomes aggressive. So I left, before harsh words we both meant, were said. I simply don’t understand why my non belief is such a big issue. I don’t ever start any of these arguments, but at the same time, I’m not going to submit any time they flare up.
I have every right to reject your fairytales if I want to. Don’t get me wrong, the end result of your faith, the prize, it certainly seems nice. I just, would rather not stand by an organization that commits atrocities to get this prize. I’m going to live a good life. If I’m wrong and some deity or paradise exists, then he/she/it can judge me on the good deeds I’ve done. Not on how many times I’ve gotten on my knees and said hello to him/her/it in my head.
Cleaning like a mad man.