When the world bares it’s weight down on you, would you break? Or would you grow, in spite of it?
I think when pushed to my limits, I’m prone to breaking. I’m not ashamed to admit this, but I’m not proud of it either. It isn’t giving up, but rather a moment of respite. When something defeats me, when it truly casts aside my defenses and strikes at my heart. I shatter, I cannot grow to defeat it. For a time, I’ll remain broken, just a twisted remnant of what I once was. But then I’ll rebuild, I’ll change. The change will be organic, but I’ll still be a new me. It isn’t growth really, nothing new is gained. But that which hurt me, has no power over the new me. I’ve adapted to deal with it. All it took was time. But I am nothing, if not adaptable.
I Was Jealous
I was wrong, the one I was so jealous of, is just like the rest of us. He’s completely human, and as such, utterly flawed. This makes him somewhat less scary to me. Sure others like him better than me, and they probably always will. But he makes mistakes, he is not the horrifying perfection I initially perceived him as being.
He is better than me, but I think I can make my peace with that, given that I now know he is flawed. I may live in his shadow, but he surely lives in the shadow of another. It’s a cycle. But just because I live in his shadow, does not mean I can’t look out at the light all around me.
He is better than me, but I’m not jealous anymore.
It is an unusual feeling for me. But I am, without a doubt, jealous of someone. He is just like me, except, he is undoubtedly better. He takes every aspect that makes me who I am, and he does it better. He’s funnier, more attractive and far smarter. It is downright irritating. But worst of all, he is so nice and kind, which means I have to be nice too, because otherwise I appear petty. I hate this. It’s like he just appeared and suddenly everyone likes him better than me, or perhaps they always did. Anything I can do, he can do better. I’m completely within his shadow and yet he has no idea of how he blocks me from the sun.
It’s weird. I always call myself the best, yet now that I know someone who is actually better in every way, all I feel is jealous. I don’t want to even be friends with this person. I just want him as far away from my life as I possibly can get him. In case everyone chooses him over me. One of my biggest issues is that I’m terrified of being replaced. My friends can attest to this. More than once I have unreasonably freaked out at the notion of someone even remotely similar to me coming into my life. Yet now, there is someone who takes all aspects of me and improves them. How can I not be jealous? How can I not worry what everyone else might do around him? How can I not fear the bitter sting of being replaced?
Ugh, why did he have to be so damn nice as well? It is impossible to justify negative feelings towards nice people.
Wouldn’t life be simpler without a heart? No emotion, nothing, just wandering and free. No drumming of blood, no hammering of muscle. Just a hole, where a heart once stood guard. Just a void, waiting to be filled. Just a life, spent like a zombie. The simplicity of oblivion.
I went for a walk through south campus again today. I love it. It soothes the silly teenage insecurities and worries in my mind. It reminds me how insignificant we all are in the grand scheme of things, why waste a short life span? It reminds me to be happy about what is good, try to change that which is not good and ignore the things I cannot alter.
But on my way home, as I was crossing the road, I came across a small girl and her mother. The girl had a little bubble blower. She had covered the entire road in small, floating, glistening, soapy, colourful bubbles. You should have seen it, everyone smiling at something so simple.
Taking joy out of the simple things is what really matters. That’s the key to happiness I think.
Yeah I couldn’t really imagine you getting angry.
That was said to me today. It’s kind of nice really. I don’t strike people as someone who is easy to enrage. But then it got me thinking, when was the last time that I got really angry, it hasn’t happened often. Plenty of things have annoyed me from time to time but I never let them get the better of me, when something annoys me, I go silent and usually it stops. When I’m angry, I scream and rage at the world, I think that’s only really happened twice. Or at least I can only remember two instances right now.
The first came when my Dad pushed me ever so slightly too far. I was under intense pressure due to my exams last year and during one brief period of time where I wasn’t in school or studying, he called me “lazy”, and I just snapped. It retrospect, at that point in my life I was very tightly strung, so such a passing comment wouldn’t usually have enraged me so much. It was merely a case of poor timing for my father. I roared and screamed at him. He and my sister actually took a step away from me, the only time I’ve seen either of them back off, and then I stormed out of the room.
The other instance was after my granny’s memorial had been torn down. There was a lot going on in my life at the time. I just remember emotion overwhelming me. I screamed at the memory of her in the middle of nowhere. I was so angry at her for abandoning us. I was so angry at her for dyeing, how silly is that.
That’s it, the only instances I can bring to mind, where I have ever let anger take over. I know this could probably be seen as a sign of weakness, of impotency. But I refuse to see it this way, my ability to control and commandeer my emotions is a sign of my strength.
A simple four lettered word
Someone told me they loved me. When they clearly don’t. Maybe they love me as a friend, but that’s it. Maybe they’ve convinced themselves that it’s something more, but that’s not possible. The funny thing is, all I felt was hurt. That someone who knows my insecurities, would try and manipulate me by telling me they loved me was painful and made me so angry.
I’m not ready for that word especially when it is said without meaning.
People are ill equipped for emotions. Our minds are a swirling mass of chemicals that cause us to react in unpredicted ways. We are walking chaos. Logic should be our salvation but logic is one thing we are incapable of. So we prowl onwards, through broken glass or grassy meadows, ever dictated by our emotions. We are slaves to our feelings. We are flawed.
My Video is Trending on Youtube!
So, I uploaded a video two days ago, and then this happened…
I am so proud and happy. But once more thank you guys so much. Tumblr got me started at making videos and I’ve loved the experience so much. So thank you guys, without your support I never would have made this success.