Anger

Yeah I couldn’t really imagine you getting angry.

That was said to me today. It’s kind of nice really. I don’t strike people as someone who is easy to enrage. But then it got me thinking, when was the last time that I got really angry, it hasn’t happened often. Plenty of things have annoyed me from time to time but I never let them get the better of me, when something annoys me, I go silent and usually it stops. When I’m angry, I scream and rage at the world, I think that’s only really happened twice. Or at least I can only remember two instances right now.

The first came when my Dad pushed me ever so slightly too far. I was under intense pressure due to my exams last year and during one brief period of time where I wasn’t in school or studying, he called me “lazy”, and I just snapped. It retrospect, at that point in my life I was very tightly strung, so such a passing comment wouldn’t usually have enraged me so much. It was merely a case of poor timing for my father. I roared and screamed at him. He and my sister actually took a step away from me, the only time I’ve seen either of them back off, and then I stormed out of the room.

The other instance was after my granny’s memorial had been torn down. There was a lot going on in my life at the time. I just remember emotion overwhelming me. I screamed at the memory of her in the middle of nowhere. I was so angry at her for abandoning us. I was so angry at her for dyeing, how silly is that.

That’s it, the only instances I can bring to mind, where I have ever let anger take over. I know this could probably be seen as a sign of weakness, of impotency. But I refuse to see it this way, my ability to control and commandeer my emotions is a sign of my strength.

Have Fun

A blade pierced through her stomach, effortlessly, as if the muscle that defended her was nothing more than paper, and then continued straight through her abdomen to the wall behind her.

“Good shot,” She chocked out to her assailant. Despite how fatal her situation was, in some sick and twisted part of her mind, she couldn’t help but admire her death wound. A straight cut through her body, no jagged edges at all and one hundred per cent, fatal.

Her tall balding assailant withdrew the sword that had pinned her in place and she fell to the ground as if her legs no longer existed. She hit the cement with a thud, but behind her she felt something, could it be? Was it her gun? She knew she should be screaming, it was true, the pain was intense, but why scream when you were knocking on death’s door. You cannot flee from your demise forever and screaming doesn’t make it any easier.

The tall man regarded her for a moment. Blood trickled out of her thin wound onto her once white blouse, no doubt it was flowing into her stomach as well. Her insides were bound to be a mess. She wouldn’t survive, his job was done. The assailant flicked his blade as he sheathed it, covering her face in droplets of her own blood.

“Have fun dying, witch bitch!” He spat.

He had barely taken three steps from her when a solitary shot rang out across the street. The single bullet tore straight through the man’s torso, obliterating his heart.

“Don’t let me have all the fun.” She said as darkness consumed the life she had once called her own.

Someone has to die…

There was a brief moment of silence. Former friends had been made enemies by fate. She stared right into his eyes as he did hers. No other sound could be heard on the oil rig, not that there was anyone left alive to make one. They had swept through the oil rig with ease. Their super human abilities allowing them to tear every opposition in their path apart limb from limb. Both of them were tyrants of power, but now they had come to this conclusion. What was it that happened when an unstoppable force met an immovable object. Something had to give way, someone had to die.

“Are you going to kill me?” She asked. The words almost seemed to splutter from her mouth. She was afraid, why the hell was she afraid. No one was stronger than her. Not even him. They were equals.

“I don’t have a choice…” He responded.

“Bullshit, everyone has a choice in life.” That’s when it hit her, they weren’t equals, not fully, because while she had no desire to kill him. Only one look into his eyes told her, Back down, give me any chance at all and you are dead.

“If it makes you feel any better, I am sorry.” 

Before she could reply he raised his twin pistols and opened fire on her. Faster than the bullets that craved her life, she threw herself aside while lobbing a single grenade in his direction. There was an explosion and then nothing, she tore threw the smoke and fire, her only weapon left, a broad sword, glinting in the moonlight. He met her challenge without fear.

When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object something has to give. Someone has to die!

Hope

Life is such a wondrous thing. I know many of you disagree. Some of you have experienced pain and hardship that I cannot even begin to comprehend. But I just want you to know, that it does get better. Everything gets better, you just have to endure.

Some of you may look at me and think, I haven’t suffered much. That is entirely true, I’ve had a very privileged life. But I’ve still suffered pain, I’ve lost loved ones, I’ve had my heart torn asunder by those that don’t care and I’ve felt the bitter cut of persecution, ignorance and discrimination. I’ve suffered more than some, but less than most. The important thing however is this, I’m still standing. That which did not kill me, made me so much stronger.

I didn’t experience huge amounts of hardships, but what I did, has made me who I am. Those challenges strengthened my resolve. The teasing quickened my wit and gifted me with a silver tongue. The heartache taught me to cherish love and the sorrow taught me how to empathize.

I didn’t experience much, yet I have grown ten fold. I would not undo any of my past hurts, I do not regret their lessons. So just imagine what you’re pain could do for you. Will you let it consume you in self loathing. Or will you turn it into your own strength.

Why did I write this post? I see so much pain on tumblr, people are really hurting and I just want you all to know. Life will get better. You have so much potential, so don’t give up. When a caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon it takes weeks of struggling for it to break back out. This struggling is what gives the caterpillar’s body the strength it needs to live and to fly. Without the struggle, the caterpillar’s body is too bloated to be supported by it’s wings.

Like the caterpillar you too must struggle from your cocoon. But when you do, you’re going to have wings, glorious wings and you are going to fly! Life get’s better.

So have faith, endure and then one day, fly!

It was the end.

The blow came, like thunder the magical bolt erupted across his chest, a raging malicious energy. His body, as a rag-doll, was thrown across the room. Light erupted in his vision then darkness. When his vision returned it was obscured behind a red haze as blood trickled down his forehead into his eyes. 

“You see Alex, you can’t win. I will always be better, and you will always be nothing.”

Alex stared up at the taunting figure before him, every aspect of his body ached. Breathing was a torment. His face was obscured by a red mess of blood.

“So this is it then?” Alex asked. Part of him wanted it to end, part of him wanted to just give up. Quitting was so much easier, no more pain, no more suffering.

“Yes, this is.” The old figured sneered.

Alex lowered his head, staring at the dirt floor beneath him.

Please don’t let it be painful, he thought to himself. He could hear his tormenter pacing towards him. Alex screwed his eyes shut. It was the end.

Heaven

He slammed his foot on the break, a moment to late. Wheels screeched as his car swerved out of control. A white van plowed straight into his car. Time appeared to slow down around him. His car span creating a dazzling display of swirling lights coming in through the windscreen. Momentum caused his body to rage against a straining seatbelt. He watched as cracks appeared in his windscreen, and then suddenly it shattered. Glass flew through the air towards him, and then darkness.

His eyes opened, someone was screaming. He couldn’t tell where he was or how long he had been unconscious for. It was still night time so he must have been outside. The screaming was deafening, why wasn’t someone helping the screaming person? It was then that it hit him, he was the one screaming and people were trying to help him. A paramedic moved into his line of sight, something was said but the injured man couldn’t hear it over the sound of screaming. He the noticed how sticky his face was, blood coated him. He glanced down at his chest to see glass protruding from his body. This can’t be happening. Someone lifted him off the ground, the screaming intensified and darkness took him once more.

His eyes opened once again. White light, a strong smell of anti-septic. His vision adjusted and he realised where he was, a hospital. The pain was intense, too intense to even scream. His mother was holding his hand. He could hear the rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor somewhere in the room. At the foot of the bed, his girlfriend and family stood. Their faces stricken with worry.

“Jeff, how do you feel?” His mother asked.

“I love you all” he croaked.

“Jeff?”

“I’m dying.”

His vision was faltering. He couldn’t see anything anymore. Faded voices called out his name. He didn’t feel pain anymore, he couldn’t feel anything. There was nothing but darkness. A strange whooshing sensation overcame his body, as every aspect of his soul detached itself from his mortal coil. 

Heaven, he was in heaven. Time had no say here. He could not see heaven or hear it. For heaven was not an earthly place, it cannot be perceived by a body because a body cannot enter it. No gods or angels awaited him, no demons clawed at his ankles. He was at peace, a single being but part of something bigger. His mind brushed against other minds, all those he knew that had gone before him, all those that had come after, people he had loved and people he had never once met. A melting pot of all those that had lived and ever would live. Eternal peace, he was finally at rest.

Just a piece of fiction

“Elly, why am I here?” He asked.

She made no response, no movement whatsoever. He couldn’t quite make out where they were. Some apartment, long abandoned judging by the shattered remnants of once ornate pieces of furniture. Or perhaps this damage was her doing. The only light in the room was a lone lunar ray peeking in between ragged remains of purple drapes. It seemed to illuminate her face, no, more than that, it made her face sparkle. Why was her face sparkling? He tried to get out of his seat. The bindings on his wrists and ankles cut into his skin. He yelped in surprise more than pain. The yelp brought her back to reality.

“Why did you leave me?”

“Is that what this is about?” He asked calmly.

She took a step forward, “What else would it be fucking about?”

Had he been paying attention he would have realized why her face had appeared to sparkle moments before. Her features were drowned in her own tears. But he did not notice these things for he was now staring at her right hand, or more precisely the gun held within it.

She took another step forward and pressed the pistol right against his forehead. He gulped loudly. He could feel his clothes begin to soak with perspiration.

“Wh-wh-why did you…did you leave me?” She was crying now. Her words, a mess of fury and sorrow.

“I had to go, I loved you.”

She smacked him across the face with the gun.

“LIAR!” She shrieked, no tears now, just rage. “You were bored, wanted to find a floozy for some fun!”

“No, what, never. They had found me, I had to go.”

Silence descended in the room as she pondered his words. Finally she spoke, “Why didn’t you leave a note.”

“A note?”

“Yes a note, some fucking words! You know so I didn’t think you were dead!”

“I didn’t think…”

“No you didn’t.” She was crying again. ” I mourned for you, do you know that. I thought you were dead. That was… that was awful. But then to find you with her, that, that is not fair. Why a family with HER? I-I-I just I can’t, no I can’t.”

“Elly, I’m sorry”

Those words seemed to compose her thoughts slightly. She strolled towards him. Tears still streaming from her eyes. She held the gun to his head. “Not as sorry as you’re about to be”

She would have done it, she knew it and so did he, were it not for a knock on the door. The sound startled Elly, she half jumped half fell backwards.

“POLICE, OPEN UP!” Someone shouted from the door.

“Of course, she did this for you.” Elly muttered.

“What?” He asked.

“The bitch you chose, the one that loves you like I did. She’s worried for your safety, she must have sent for them.”

“Elly, I…”

“SHUTUP!” She sighed as the banging grew louder. “I’m not going to kill you.”

The bound man almost smiled, but he quickly smothered such facial movements in case it would set her off.

“I’m not killing you because that’s too easy, it doesn’t punish you. But I can’t go on, not like this, not anymore.”

She brought the gun level with her own head.

“ELLY WAIT, STOP!”

She was crying now, sobbing between each and every word. “You used to love me… I’m…I’m sure of it. Whenever happiness creeps up on you, I want you to remember this, look at me, remember my face right now. And if you wonder what caused this, I…I want you to know that…that this was, all… your… fault!”

“ELLY NO!”

She pulled the trigger.

A tree outside my house is dead

I only just noticed it now. A colossal Birch tree, just dead. It’s gnarled branches swaying in the breeze, surrounded by the leaves of other plants. Silent, no rustling of folliage. It’s like some ghost or wraith, silently existing on in death. Perched on top was a lone Blackbird. The only remnant of life on this silent dead tree.

It’s unsettling, like a sign though what it means I’ve yet to decipher.