I Want One

An old friend of mine from school sent me this message tonight;

Shane I heard you’re gay ? Is this true ? I never had a gay friend ! I WANT ONE !! HAHA

How awesome is that. I only didn’t come out to him because we kind of drifted apart. But I’m genuinely touched. How could I not come out to him when he sends me such a lovely message like that. To me it basically reads like “Shane, are you gay? Because that is awesome!”

Oh I’m in such a good mood now. This is how it’s supposed to be!

Bambino

Hey look it’s Bambi and you’re Bambino, get it?

How do I even begin to talk about someone like Bambino? I gave him the name back when I was giving everyone that name, but it only seems to have stuck with him. I don’t even know if he likes my pet name for him or not. But, to me, he is Bambino forever.

I’ve known him for a while now, and I’m not hugely sure why, but I felt I should dedicate a post to him, which is something I’ve never really done before. He’s one of those people who goes through life completely unaware of the effect they have on others and oblivious to his own greatness. He’s also quite possibly the definition of gaymer, but we wont get into that right now.

He’s always there for me though, much more than I’m there for him. When life got tough last year, between boys, coming out, exams, the works. He was the one who was there for me through it all. It wasn’t that my other friends weren’t trying to help. It was just that he just understood better. He always listened and patiently calmed me. That’s no small feat. I was a nightmare around exam time either screaming abuse, crying, laughing hysterically or an awkward combination of all three. He took all my crazy and still made me smile.  Ironically he probably has more serious, frequent and numerous problems than I, but he doesn’t whine or complain about them. He endures them. As far as I can tell, he’s the sort of boy who would put a smile on anyone’s face.

But what else have I learned about dear Bambino? He’s incredibly intelligent, though he doesn’t realize it. He has great potential as a writer, again he doesn’t see it. You would never know he was dyslexic, unless he told you, because his spelling, vocabulary and grammar are always checked until they are perfect. He’s humble. He’s quite interested in photography. He’s a little bit of a clean freak. He’s ever so witty, handsome and thoughtful. He can sometimes be a little bit scatter brained. I love his sense of humor so much, it’s dry and sarcastic. He’s also a bit of a bitch, but in a good way. I actually find myself missing how much I used to talk to him before I went to college. But that’s life I suppose, relationships grow and change. People move apart.

There’s even a song that reminds me of Bambino. I’m not fully sure why, maybe I was listening to it while texting him a few too many times? It’s “Signal Fire” by Snow Patrol.

“In the confusion and the aftermath you are my signal fire. The only resolution and the only joy is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.”

I’ve no idea why I quoted that, but it seems to fit. If I recall correctly I introduced Bambino to that song.

Currently he’s facing off against the exams that gave me nightmares a few days ago. So I know the stress he’s under, well I know part of it. But if anyone can do it, he can. Like I said, he’s smarter than he thinks and damn stubborn too. He wants to be a doctor, a tough career to get into, but he will do it, even if he has to take the scenic route to get there. I believe in him. He would, without a doubt, make a fantastic doctor. He has the right personality for it. He is one of those rare people, who is a good person simply because he can be.

I do remember getting angry at him on more than a few occasions because I was jealous of the attention he showed other people. But I’ve grown since then, I thankfully don’t get jealous anymore. Bambino is someone to be shared with the world, someone to bring a smile to everyone’s face… until their cheeks hurt. He is my friend and I’m so grateful to have him in my life as well as the sanity he brings to my batch of crazy.

I could probably write an awful lot more, but I think I should stop before I appear crazier than usual. If you’re reading this Mr. Sheridan, which you probably are because I will probably tell you too, you have had a profound effect on my life. You’ve helped me come to terms with who I am and effectively eliminated my once rampant self loathing. I actually like me now, and it’s because of you. Thank you so much. I shall always be in your debt. Like I said I am so grateful to be able to call you a friend.

But bitch if you think you’re getting Fenris you can fuck off :P

The Sparrow, The Sparrow-hawk and The Hawk

The sparrow was terrified of everything really, struggling to exist in a world that was too vast and ever changing for it. But the sparrow never gave up, no matter how hard things got, he endured and continued to fly. Even when the swell of the air tried to force him to the ground he kept going, he did not submit. But the sparrow was too trusting and in the end he was consumed whole. His final act of defiance was to struggle in the throats of those that had hunted him and bring them to their knees with tears in their eyes. One final act to show they had not taken from him all that he was.

The sparrow-hawk was smarter and more cunning. He did not fear, but he was no fool either. His stronger wings allowed him to sail through this world with more ease than the little sparrow. He hunted too, but not like those who had hunted the sparrow with such glee. He was however, not indestructible and at times he too was pushed to his limits. He did not submit, and unlike the sparrow that was quick to flee, he would turn and face his oppressor with talons outstretched. In the end, the fight consumed him and he lost who he was.

The hawk doesn’t exist yet. Perhaps he never will. A true predator, cruel, strong, handsome and intelligent. He will be a terror to behold. He will be everything the sparrow was not. 

Coming Out Dinner

So considering everyone in my immediate family now knows of my sexual orientation, Mam thought we should go for a meal to celebrate, which was incredibly awkward. But I must say the thought behind the action was lovely. So I think, despite everything, things between me and my family are going to be better now. Perhaps there wont be as much arguing now that there aren’t any secrets lingering over us. Well hopefully.

So my parents outed me to my sister. She hasn’t come home yet. This weekend shall be interesting.

I’m Sick

My Tumble Page’s Anniversary

It’s been about a year since I set up my tumblr, a whole bloody year. That’s crazy, and look how far I’ve come in that time. I’ve been used and abused, I’ve been beaten down. I’ve loved and laughed, I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever known. I’ve come out, I’ve accepted myself. I’ve overcome hardships, I’ve completed Secondary School. I contended with torment and self loathing. I went on holidays and to parties. But to think an entire year’s worth of memories exist in writing, it’s almost daunting. As I wrote before I read back over the first few pages of my tumblr and the darkness within terrified me. I don’t know if I’d want to read more. But at the same time I’m not that person anymore, a point of change must exist.

I remember I started writing this blog to practice my english, so that I might get an A grade in my final exam. I even remember the man that inspired me to do it. An incredible english teacher that gave me lessons for only a week but without a doubt, a man who has changed my life. He said one key phrase that has stuck with me all this time “Knowledge is power, knowledge is the key to freedom”. Those words gave me the strength to come out this year. Those words gave me the resolve to continue studying for exams while my friends were out partying. Those words gave me the courage to go back to college after an initial upset. Those words, slowly but surely, changed me.

This year has been one of the most interesting ones of my brief life. A year where I went from thoughts of suicide to a sense of happiness. A year where I came close to breaking point but did not quit. But I’m so glad I didn’t, if I had I would have missed out on so much, and I would have missed out on so many amazing people.

But I think a brief thank you is in order. When things got really horrible, when I would come home crying and recount my day on tumblr, so many of you would contact me, soothing me and telling me it would be ok. You people were my rock. I’m so glad to have met you this year as well.

So here’s to having completed my first year on tumblr. May many more follow!