Tonight was the night, when most of my old school year would have been out in our local town, but I couldn’t do it. Not this year. Last year was a tragedy, I couldn’t commit myself to that again. I don’t understand it, I’ve no fear of the big bad city and I navigate university life with ease, but put me back here, in this place, and it’s like none of that matters. People here still have that power over me, the ability to make me feel like I’m nothing. Drop me in this town and I’m lost, no, worse than that, I’m undone.
The other day I was walking through the town that I used to go to school in. I decided, randomly, to take a walk through the park. In the distance, sitting on a bench, I saw a guy who used to bully me. No, bully is an understatement. He used to torment me, he used to make me hate school, he used to make me hate myself. I hadn’t seen him in years. Every fibre of my being wanted me to turn back, but he had seen me, so I couldn’t. I couldn’t show that sign of weakness, not now, not after so long. I walked past him. He said hello, as did I. Once I had walked past, once he could not see me. I had to sit down. There were tears in my eyes and I was shaking. He still holds an idiotic power over me. His mere presence is enough to make me feel like nothing.
But I did take some solace in our meeting. He is now trapped in this town, drowning his potential and squandering his dole money in cans of beer. He is nothing, and he’ll stay that way until he accidentally gets some poor girl pregnant and becomes a deadbeat Dad. He is nothing and always has been, so he tried to make me feel the same way. He is nothing, and I am something.
The Sparrow, The Sparrow-hawk and The Hawk
The sparrow was terrified of everything really, struggling to exist in a world that was too vast and ever changing for it. But the sparrow never gave up, no matter how hard things got, he endured and continued to fly. Even when the swell of the air tried to force him to the ground he kept going, he did not submit. But the sparrow was too trusting and in the end he was consumed whole. His final act of defiance was to struggle in the throats of those that had hunted him and bring them to their knees with tears in their eyes. One final act to show they had not taken from him all that he was.
The sparrow-hawk was smarter and more cunning. He did not fear, but he was no fool either. His stronger wings allowed him to sail through this world with more ease than the little sparrow. He hunted too, but not like those who had hunted the sparrow with such glee. He was however, not indestructible and at times he too was pushed to his limits. He did not submit, and unlike the sparrow that was quick to flee, he would turn and face his oppressor with talons outstretched. In the end, the fight consumed him and he lost who he was.
The hawk doesn’t exist yet. Perhaps he never will. A true predator, cruel, strong, handsome and intelligent. He will be a terror to behold. He will be everything the sparrow was not.
My Tumble Page’s Anniversary
It’s been about a year since I set up my tumblr, a whole bloody year. That’s crazy, and look how far I’ve come in that time. I’ve been used and abused, I’ve been beaten down. I’ve loved and laughed, I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever known. I’ve come out, I’ve accepted myself. I’ve overcome hardships, I’ve completed Secondary School. I contended with torment and self loathing. I went on holidays and to parties. But to think an entire year’s worth of memories exist in writing, it’s almost daunting. As I wrote before I read back over the first few pages of my tumblr and the darkness within terrified me. I don’t know if I’d want to read more. But at the same time I’m not that person anymore, a point of change must exist.
I remember I started writing this blog to practice my english, so that I might get an A grade in my final exam. I even remember the man that inspired me to do it. An incredible english teacher that gave me lessons for only a week but without a doubt, a man who has changed my life. He said one key phrase that has stuck with me all this time “Knowledge is power, knowledge is the key to freedom”. Those words gave me the strength to come out this year. Those words gave me the resolve to continue studying for exams while my friends were out partying. Those words gave me the courage to go back to college after an initial upset. Those words, slowly but surely, changed me.
This year has been one of the most interesting ones of my brief life. A year where I went from thoughts of suicide to a sense of happiness. A year where I came close to breaking point but did not quit. But I’m so glad I didn’t, if I had I would have missed out on so much, and I would have missed out on so many amazing people.
But I think a brief thank you is in order. When things got really horrible, when I would come home crying and recount my day on tumblr, so many of you would contact me, soothing me and telling me it would be ok. You people were my rock. I’m so glad to have met you this year as well.
So here’s to having completed my first year on tumblr. May many more follow!
“Give me your money fuckface.”
“What did you say?”
“I said NO!” He shouted. The bully stared down at him. There was no verbal reply, the time for words had passed. A punch, a single one. It struck the boy called Mouse square in the jaw. Mouse felt his body pass through the air. He landed in a heap. A copper taste flooded his mouth as his vision faltered.
“I’ll ask you one more time, give me your money” The bully said once more. His massive bulk blocked out the sun. Mouse pulled himself off the ground, leaning against a red brick wall for support. He spit blood from his mouth. The spatter as it struck the ground echoed throughout the alleyway.
“NO!” Mouse shouted. He knew more assaults were coming, he knew he would bleed more. But he didn’t care, he was proud of the blood he had spilt, he would be proud of anymore blood this brute ripped from his body. It was a sign. He wasn’t afraid anymore. He would never be afraid again.