My Tumble Page’s Anniversary

It’s been about a year since I set up my tumblr, a whole bloody year. That’s crazy, and look how far I’ve come in that time. I’ve been used and abused, I’ve been beaten down. I’ve loved and laughed, I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever known. I’ve come out, I’ve accepted myself. I’ve overcome hardships, I’ve completed Secondary School. I contended with torment and self loathing. I went on holidays and to parties. But to think an entire year’s worth of memories exist in writing, it’s almost daunting. As I wrote before I read back over the first few pages of my tumblr and the darkness within terrified me. I don’t know if I’d want to read more. But at the same time I’m not that person anymore, a point of change must exist.

I remember I started writing this blog to practice my english, so that I might get an A grade in my final exam. I even remember the man that inspired me to do it. An incredible english teacher that gave me lessons for only a week but without a doubt, a man who has changed my life. He said one key phrase that has stuck with me all this time “Knowledge is power, knowledge is the key to freedom”. Those words gave me the strength to come out this year. Those words gave me the resolve to continue studying for exams while my friends were out partying. Those words gave me the courage to go back to college after an initial upset. Those words, slowly but surely, changed me.

This year has been one of the most interesting ones of my brief life. A year where I went from thoughts of suicide to a sense of happiness. A year where I came close to breaking point but did not quit. But I’m so glad I didn’t, if I had I would have missed out on so much, and I would have missed out on so many amazing people.

But I think a brief thank you is in order. When things got really horrible, when I would come home crying and recount my day on tumblr, so many of you would contact me, soothing me and telling me it would be ok. You people were my rock. I’m so glad to have met you this year as well.

So here’s to having completed my first year on tumblr. May many more follow!

Who am I?

I just finished re-reading the very first ten pages of my blog. I’m shocked by how dark they are, how unhappy with life I was. But more than that, it feels like I’m reading writings that belong to a different person. I’ve changed so much. The boy who started this blog was shy and depressed but ambitious, determined and intelligent.

The boy who controls it now is definitely neither shy nor depressed. But am I still ambitious, determined and intelligent? Can I change as drastically as I did in such a short amount of time and still retain a portion of who I was. Or have I truly reinvented myself? Is the old sparrow gone, replaced by something else. Or have I simply grown.

It is an odd revelation to realize how little I know about myself and who I am. Were someone to ask me to describe myself, I would struggle. No, more than that. I would fail. I have no idea who I am and clearly I’ve forgotten who I was. That past pain, I don’t remember it. Those bitter words, I can’t recall them.

How does one go about figuring out who they are? Shouldn’t I know myself better than anyone else? So why does it feel like Shane is someone I don’t know? What drives him? What makes him who he is? Why does he react how he does? These are questions I cannot answer because at the root of it all, they remain the same. Who am I?

I often wonder…

I often wonder, when people see me what do they think. I am not paranoid, nor will I live for the opinions of others. But still, I find myself wondering.

What do my parents see when they look at me? When I talk to friends, what do they hear in my words? When I console someone in need, what do they see in my eyes. If I scream and shout at someone when they try to insult me, is it annoyance or admiration they feel? As strangers catch site of me, do they see a reckless youth or something else? When I talk to someone over the internet, do they believe my words or write them off as senseless flattery? 

At night before I sleep this is what constantly plays through my head. What were they thinking? Why was that said? How did they feel?

In the end I’ll never know. But even if I did, it wouldn’t change anything. I am me, I have my own morals, ideals and beliefs. Nothing will ever change that. I will not allow anything or anyone to change me.

I’ve spent the day…

I’ve spent the day studying, eating food, watching pirates of the caribbean and on tumblr.

Studying was ok…

Eating was fine…

Pirates of the Caribbean was great…

But Tumblr was awesome!